I am not a SPY. May be? I wish people had better understanding capabilities.
I think a lot of kids grow up with a dream of becoming a SPY. A lot of them are influenced & inspired by Movies, TV Serials etc Nothing like that has ever inspired me, the closest thought of I wanting to be SPY is the thought of joining Indian Foreign Services or RAW as a computer engineer. Still, people call me a SPY.
I am still wondering why they call me a spy? for the good or the bad? I think its more of bad, but I think some of them recognize this talent in me and that’s the reason they have even suggested me to become a professional spy or may be they are just sarcastic about it.
I know, Actions define who you are. Actions are labelled right or wrong but who defines these labels? You? Fuck you. There is no one ‘right’ enough in this world to define right or wrong. Everyone has its own cobra in his garden and its okay to have them, we are humans in the end. It’s okay to make mistakes. I think more than the action, reason behind the action matters more for me. If the action has an overall objective of a better world, Whats wrong with that? I think people around me fail to see the long distance picture. They create Panorama’s, Complicate things but never look at things with an overall objective. How difficult is to look beyond the action and judge the person on his reasons?
I also have a huge list of ‘wrong’ actions. Mostly defined wrong by people around me. Most of them do resemble the actions of a SPY. List is long but I can list down some. I have hacked people, even my own college intranet website, I have followed people,Stole a stash of drugs, Broken hearts, I have also tried my own version of Politics. But trust me, Every time i have this feeling of something is wrong and do these stupid actions. I am always right.
When you are part of something or with someone? Don’t you wanna know everything about it or about them? Sometimes they are not liable to tell you that. But sometimes they are. Sometimes the information does not matter but sometimes it does. Sometimes situations define the need of the information. Sometimes situations define the want of the information. Yes, I have this quest or hunger of knowing things. Specially when things are wrong or hidden. I think its alright to support the right thing, I think it’s the disability of people who don’t understand this want of knowing things that might affect you. The worst part is, I don’t run around finding such moments, these moments find me. I always land up in such situations, Automatically and then I have this feeling. “Dude, There is something wrong. Something Incomplete” and then the brain starts working, things fall in place. As they say,”Mystery solves itself”.
When i hacked my college intranet website, I did it because I felt the website was not safe to upload terminal exam papers or to upload chunks of database (specially with Girls phone numbers – Though it would have been an awesome thing for me :P). All it took was a “feeling” when I first saw the website online with detailing on its functions. I felt stupid to stand up in the class and ask the teachers about the security of the website but i did. I was told it was perfectly safe. All it took was accessing of the database file through notepad. When I told the teachers about it, all i achieved was a ‘inferior image’ for 4 engineering years. OR when I stole the stash of drugs from another hostel friend, all i intended to do was keep him away from that crap, all i got was a defamed image of being a stupid boarder. Or when i said unpolitical things about my competitors, it was not to defame anyone, it was just a moral boost intended to gain my confidence with people who i trusted more than anyone, nothing like defaming someone. Or when I knew much before time that i was going to face a break up with dates in mind of when my girlfriend is going to date someone else. or when one of ex’s double dated.
And I can go on. Every time i have had this feeling, Something unhidden has been revealed. I know some actions are just not tolerable hence I try to restrain myself from these things like hacking, haven’t accessed any unauthorized information from past three-four years. It’s not that I haven’t got karma on my actions, I have. I have even been labeled many things but I really believe: People are meant to label you, its how you overcome those labels matters. I am not ashamed of what I know, I am sorry of my actions and every time I try to refine my actions. But I am not sorry for what I know or what I find out. I am not sorry for the power of supporting the right thing in the long-term. I am not sorry for making you feel bad because you believed in me and I let you down, I am sorry that you never really believed in me, you believed in my actions, if you really believe in the real me – You would believe my reasons and you would never label me for my actions. But you did that.
I. May be a criminal with my actions but I ain’t a criminal with my reasons.
Dexter, The Series quotes this in Season1:
This is what it must feel like to walk in full sunlight, my darkness revealed, my shadow self embraced. Yeah, they see me. I’m one of them… In their darkest dreams.
With these thoughts, I believe I have the fortitude to be who I am and do things which are right (the way I think) or which are right in a bigger picture. I know many a times, I am helpless even though i know something is wrong, I can’t help it out. I do try but I fail. But I guess its okay. Sometimes, Be yourself is all that you can do. In the end it’s not about how I am labeled, It’s about what I believe in. I just want people around me to understand me better. Hope writing helps.
In future, if there is something not right and I have this feeling of “something being really wrong”. I will find things out. I will not let any of my friends get hurt or people I love feel bad about something they did not do. I will always look for a better something to whatever is around me and I guess that’s Human nature. This note is not intended for anyone to read or comment on or make you realize something. This note is my humble way of passing a clear message:
I am watching you.